


Never in a Thousand Years

by speccygeekgrrl



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Cyril is full of fail, Cyril wants to be a dad, Gen, especially not the person he most wants to, he thinks he'd be really good at it, too bad literally no one else shares this opinion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 19:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1869726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is, Cyril really wants to be a father. He always has.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never in a Thousand Years

The thing is, Cyril really wants to be a father. He always has. Even on the playground in grade school, the girls knew he'd always play house, and he didn't mind carrying around the baby doll or pretend feeding it. He aced the unit in home economics where you had a "baby" made from a sack of flour and had to record caring for it. He's had baby names picked out since he was a teenager, two each for boys and girls, just in case there were twins. He's always, always wanted to be a dad.

So when Lana tells him the baby isn't his, that's the emotional equivalent of taking six right in the Kevlar vest, and he reacts... poorly. Okay, he's a complete dick about it. He knows he's being a total asshole even while the words are still on his lips, but he says them anyways, because he's in pain and he likes to spread it around when he's hurt. And it hurts a _lot_ , so he says some really, really super dickish things. But when he sees his pain reflected in Lana's eyes, it doesn't make him feel any better. It makes him feel a hell of a lot worse.

And when he shuts up and really thinks about it, the nitty-gritty details of it, waking up at 2 a.m. to the sound of tiny cries, endless diapers, baby burp-up on the shoulders of his sweatervests, and weighs it against the perks, a teeny little hand around one of his fingers, toothless baby smiles, waking up next to Lana, being called "Dada," well, it still sounds like what he's always wanted, and... even if it isn't _his_ kid, it's her kid, and he loves her, and he knows he can love the baby once he meets it. He could raise her kid with her, if she'd let him. And honestly, who else is she going to find to do it? _Archer_? She'd honestly be better off as a single mom than resting her hopes on that aimless man-child.

He swallows his pride, what little of it he has left, and he goes to her, and he can see the wariness in her eyes before he even opens his mouth, the wariness that he put there by trying to hurt her the way she hurt him. "Take me back," he says, and she outright laughs in his face.

"Noooooope."

"Lana, please. I know the baby isn't mine, but I could raise it like it was."

"Noooooope. Hell no. Why would I ever want to raise a child with you?"

"I've always wanted to be a father, you know that. You even said I have paternal instincts."

"I said you were paternalistic, ass. It's not a compliment."

"Oh..." Well. That certainly knocks him back for a loop. There's no kindness in her face as she watches him struggle to find words. "You don't really want to be a single mom, do you? Raising a kid all on your own? You're a spy, not a homemaker." 

"I'm not a spy any more," she says, one hand laid over the swell of her belly. "None of us are, any more."

"So what are you going to do? Go back to work at some nine-to-five to make ends meet, leave your kid in daycare all day? Please, Lana, give me a chance to..."

"Fuck it up again? Sleep around behind my back? Spy on me?"

"To do right by you," he says doggedly. "To support you, even though I've been less than supportive so far."

"HA." She shakes her head, not even looking at him any more. "You're a dick, Cyril. You're an actual awful person and I would never in a thousand years let my baby even think you were its father."

"Oh." That was more like taking six in the chest without the Kevlar. He swallows, and nods, and turns away from her feeling like he's been hollowed out inside, like the place where his heart was, where his spine was, are all just empty now.

It's nothing more or less than exactly what he deserves for all the shit he's put her through, and the worst part is that he knows, he _knows_ he set himself up for just this fall. He doesn't deserve to be _a_ father to her child because he was such an enormous douchebag about not being _the_ father of her child. 

There's a lesson here, he knows, but it's probably too late for him to learn it now.


End file.
